The Gospel According to Republicans
The government in Palestine installed by the Romans, the superpower of the age, was controlled by the weak and insecure King Herod. The child Jesus was born in Bethlehem, a city under Herod’s jurisdiction, and Herod received a rumor that a child had been born who would replace him. Herod was greatly disturbed and tweeted to his followers to find and kill the baby Jesus. This placed Jesus and his parents Mary and Joseph in great danger. Joseph and Mary decided to go down to Egypt to escape the murderous Herod.
But Egypt was not a welcoming country, and foreigners could only gain legal entry through navigating an almost impossible bureaucracy and waiting several years. The danger to Jesus was imminent, so Joseph and Mary decided to apply for asylum in Egypt, which was legal under both Egyptian and international law. To get to Egypt from Bethlehem the Holy Family had to walk 429 miles through the desert.
After the long, arduous journey the Holy Family arrived at the border of Egypt and were greeted by a giant fence, barbed wire, fortifications, and heavily armed police and soldiers. When they tried to legally ask for asylum the police fired tear gas at them. They had come so far to seek refuge and were shocked at the way they were rejected. But they couldn’t return to their home country for fear of violence. So they wandered further into the desert and crossed the border at a less heavily fortified location. They were successful but soon were apprehended by border police and taken into custody.
By this time Jesus, who couldn’t have been more than about two years old, was dehydrated and in shock. The Egyptian police separated him from Joseph and Mary and placed him in a cage, where after several hours of neglect he went into cardiac arrest and died.
When Caesar was asked about the tragic death of the baby Jesus, he, and all the upright religious people of the Roman Empire, just shrugged and said it was dangerous to walk across the desert just to try to get free stuff from the Egyptians and they should have known better. Joseph and Mary were irresponsible. The should have stayed in Bethlehem and obeyed the law.
V: The gospel of the Republicans.
R: Praise to you lord Donald Trump.